The Question
by aroseisarose
Summary: Takes place after "Innsurection" so there are spoilers for it and some season 8 stuff too.
1. Chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything related to ER, the powers that be do. I also don't the song  "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Author's notes:  This takes places after "Insurrection" contains season 8&9 spoilers. BTW I have no clue where Abby lives…

"Take her 159 Halmont, please." Susan Lewis said as she handed twenty dollars the cabby who was taking Abby home "Keep the change."

"Thanks, Lady"

With that, the yellow and white cab took off, and Susan headed to her little black neon. Fumbling with the keys, she finally got in to the driver's seat. She pulled out of the club and on to the abandoned street. Susan drove for a few moments, and stopped with her arrival at her destination, John's house. 

"Oh, why am I even doing this…" Susan mumbled to herself getting out of the car.

With slow and sure steps, she made her way to the door. Taking a deep breath, she knocked, and waited. To her each second seemed to take an hour. Without warning, the door opened.

"Susan? What are you doing here?" Carter asked, clad in a tee and boxers

"Can I come in?"

"Umm… yeah sure."

"Thanks" she said stepping into the brownstone home. "This is a really nice place."

"I try. So do you want a drink or something?" Carter said, gesturing Susan to sit down on the sofa.

"Sure, a screwdriver."

"Coming right up."

John went in to the kitchen, and started to get the liquor out. In a few moments he came back to find Susan sitting on the sofa, playing with her necklace.

"Here you are."

"Thanks"

"So what brings you to my humble home?"

"Well Abby got too drunk, and I sent her home in a cab. I just thought that you should know."

Carter let out a sigh.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Sorry if I'm prying"

"I don't mind, I mean today had been like one continuous nightmare, so a little prying doesn't seem that bad."

"I know what you mean. I just want it do end."

John looked over to the clock.

"Actually, it already has. It's about ten after midnight."

Susan let out a slight laugh. The same laugh that drove Carter crazy from that first day at County.  Without even thinking, he leaned over and kissed Susan. She kissed him back, and they started making out, right there on the sofa.

"We shouldn't be doing this." Susan said as she came up for air. "What about Abby?"

"I don't know. I mean, if there were no Abby, would we be together?"

"I've always have had a crush on you."

Carter kissed her again, this time making his way down to her collarbone. He thought about how different she was from Abby. Susan was perfect, she had her flaws, but to him she was perfect. All he could see in Abby were her flaws. This is what love was he decided. 

Carter offered Susan his hand, and she took it.

"Where are we going?"

"Upstairs, that is if you want to."

Susan followed John up, turning down the voices of reason in her head more and more with each step she took. By the time they were at the bedroom door fame, they were totally gone.

"I should have never done this" Susan thought to herself as she gathered her clothes up off the floor and started redressing. "I betrayed a friend, a friend who trusted me. This isn't me, this isn't the Susan Lewis who I am."

She looked over at John. He was sleeping, the dawn's light playing with his face, making him look so much younger. In the light, it was the first time that she saw his scars. They were marks of when his life started to go on its twisted path downward, through drugs and rehab. Those scars are what made her cry.

She left a note on the pillow that was next to John's head. Susan didn't know what do say expect to call her at her house when he got up, she didn't have to go in for another six hours.

She gave John's head a quick kiss and left the room. Making her way down the steps to the room where it all began. Her drink was on the coffee table, and she put it in the sink before she left. Returning to the living room, she grabbed her purse and left. Getting into her car, she turned on the radio. Just as she was pulling out of the driveway, the song caught her attention.

And I don't want the world to see me,

'Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.

When everything is made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am.

During the drive home, Susan thought about what was going to happen to her and John. She really did love him, but could she have him? That was the question that only time could answer. 


	2. Chapter two

Disclaimer: Same as the chapter before

Authors note: This is a new writing style for me, so please tell me what you think about it! Again some season 8&9 spoilers

As I'm sitting here, drinking my coffee, I'm wondering about Susan and Abby. I love Susan, last night, well, last night I found love, not a good time. Abby, she's fun to be with, and she's happy when she's with me. I don't know if I can deal with her past. Her alcoholism, her abortion, Luka. Does she fear my demons? The drugs, the guilt about Lucy and last night, if she ever finds out? We both are on the edge, one pill or one drink can send the both of us down, down to the point of desperation, Susan has always been my angel, and last night she became my fallen angel, the one who blessed me with her kiss and gave her angelic-ness up for me. I want to be with her but, Abby, she needs me. She needs me to keep her stable and together.  To leave her, and go to Susan would tear her up. And I'm back to the question of Susan or Abby.

I am an adulteress. Slap that scarlet letter on me right now. Last night, I lost what ground I thought I had. I loved him since he was just a med student, trying to prove himself as a surgeon. He is the better half of me, the me who could never be. Great, now I'm getting poetic. He showed me his scars, along with the soul, and I leave him alone in his bed. He told me to get some of my own, and I did, but on my soul. He loves one of my best friends, and last night, well I can't change it so I have to deal with it all. I knew that if I went into that brownstone house, this would happen, but I did anyway. So here I am, sitting on my bed waiting for his call, bare feet getting colder with each passing moment, and asking myself the question: do I choose my happiness or Abby's?

I know that this is short, but I promise that the next one will be longer. Please R&R! 


End file.
